Guidance

Next month will mark two years.  Two years of hoping and praying, two years of negative tests, over a year of ultrasounds, medications and strict charting, and one surgery.  Two years of getting so excited and expecting to see a positive result, and feeling empty and broken when another negative result stares us in the face. 

 I try to be upbeat and positive as we wait for our baby. But, lately I have really been struggling with wisdom and guidance as to which direction to follow.  I have been somewhat discouraged with our options lately.  It feels like is just shouldn't be this hard.  

If we keep going with the path laid out in front of us, we will start the whole meds/ultrasound/meds routine again.  I really don't like forcing my body to accept all these extra hormones and medications, but I am willing to do it if it gives us hope of getting pregnant.  They can make me feel out-of- control, incredibly angry for no reason, depressed, all in the span of a few hours....and then continue in moody cycles for days.  Then we will be on a very strict calendar schedule which can be stressful and run our lives for us.  I know in my heart it's worth it for the end result, but it's so hard to keep doing this over and over again without a positive result.  

Our other option is to begin adoption proceedings.  We have talked about this and done some preliminary information gathering.  The process seems scary and exciting at the same time.  The biggest drawback is the cost.  Depending on which agency we chose to work with, our fees would be anywhere from $13,000 to $16,000!!!  Can you believe that??  And, we have been advised that I should not work full time outside the home after adopting (which I wouldn't want to anyway), but how could we afford that?  We would spend (more) than our whole savings and then be missing out on my income?  I just don't see how that can work at this time.  I have heard there is a tax break that can help you replenish your savings after the adoption is final, but that is set to expire at the end of 2011.  There is no guarantee that we would be given any sort of "reimbursement".

I am just really struggling right now.  I don't know what God's plan is, and I don't know which path he wants us to take. 

Please keep praying for us.  Pray for our guidance and our patience.  We know God has a plan for our family.